...

12.20.09

I turn my back to the phone but it keeps popping up under my eyelids while I try to sleep. You don't call me enough. Ever even. I sort of realized that you always let me down. And I don't mean sometimes, I mean always. Your words are like scribbles, a bunch of crap that you shouldn't take seriously.

I asked you once if you loved me. You told me that of course you did. More than anyone. That's when I realized you're nothing but a liar. I'm not that easy to trick. You always hurt me, never help me, and make promises you can, but won't keep.

Love is like a superhero. It stops that shit from happening. It forces you to be at least an ounce of a good person. You're not a good person. You're an abismal person. Makes me sick really.

So don't try to talk to me and don't try to touch me. You don't deserve me. I'll answer my phone though, because you never call me, and maybe if you do... Well you may have changed your heart.

...

This is the worst kind of love.

...

12.19.09

Are you ready to be liberated
On this sad side city street?
While the birds have been freed from their cages
I got freedom and my youth

My name is Brody
and I'm from Melbourne
Fitzroy, Melbourne
I grew up on Belle Street
Then on Bennett Street
My mom kicked out
My dad for a better way
She found a way
On a spiritual penury
Working single mother
In an urban struggle
Blames herself now
Cause I grew up troubled

It hit me
I've got everything I need

My one heart
Felt too much from the start
I've seen people come and go
Living large and living low
You can build up your walls
Sitting on death row
Let the curtain fall
On your murdered soul
Wash it all down
Swallow your story
Get smacked off your head
Go down in drum roll glory
Won't solve it
Commiting self-inflicted crime
Go and pull the trigger
This will be the last time.

It hit me
I've got everything I need

I speak of the truth
The truth of the heart
Like a desperate thirst
In a raging drought
Hang in
Time flies by
There's an everlasting battle
For eternal life
I love a man from California
He's the prettiest thing
We've got the same disorder
The way you feel
Well it's okay
It's never going to change anyways

It hit me
I've got everyone I need

Are you ready to be liberated
On this sad side city street?
While the birds have been freed from their cages
I've got freedom and my youth.

I've got freedom and my youth.

...

12.18.09

Go tell your fucking friends
What I thought and how I felt
How punk fucking rock
My pussy smells
Now did you tell them?

...

12.18.09

These are my tits yeah
And this is my ass
And these are my legs
Watch them walk away

You are not the victim
Though you'd like to make it that way
Pretty girls all gather round
To hear your side of things

Your side of things
Your shining path

These are my ruby lips
Better to suck you dry

I am sorry I am so nice to you

HandKnifeHandKnifeHandKnife
All you do is destroy
All you do is fuck up
All you ever do is take
TaketTakeTakeTakeTake


...


I Love Kathleen Hanna

...

12.17.09

It's hard for me to write to you when I am writing for you. Its like trying to send my heart in the mail. There just isn't room.
It scares me that you can read these words right now. It scares me that you can see me being honest. I like my dishonesty. I like the picture it paints. I like how much prettier it makes me.
Well at least makes me seem.
I drew a picture of us tonight. I came out all blacked out. I couldn't help it. I can't really exist with you. Not happily anyways. Unless you give up your happiness. I don't want to be a crazy selfish bitch so I'll leave it alone.
I hope you understand. I hope you see my point. I hope that maybe we're growing apart just so we can grow back together again. I really doubt it though. I'm moving away next month. I'm starting a new life, becoming a new me. One who shines a little more brightly. It just can't work can it?

...

12.17.09

Don't talk to me anymore
I can't bear to listen
Remember when I loved you?
Oh long gone, so long gone

I need to shut up
Because I can't help but lie to you
Dazed by those days
Seems like today

Your crooked nosed smile
Your unorganized grin
Kick me out
Or at least let me in

Standing in the hallway
Between here and there
Nowhere at all
For me to hide here

Except in the walls
In the walls around my heart

...

12.16.09

You came to my door yesterday. I peeked through the peephole and saw you standing there, biting your lip and figetting your fingers. I asked who it was, as though I didn't know, just to stall for time.

You said, "Me."

I said, "Well it shouldn't be."

I don't need you on my doorstep dragging out this pain. I know you want me back, but my string has already snapped. You can't play me anymore. And I won't sing for you.

You knocked again, "Just let me in. Please."

I opened the door, realizing that looking you in the eye will actually give me the advantage. You're so fucking meek. Can't even look me in the eye for half a second. I want to grab your hair and force you to look at my face.

See the sorrow babe, see the sorrow. Cry my tears for me maybe, because there's no way I'll unleash them while you're here.

You claim you love me, as though that's a remedy for how fucked up you are. I've put the pieces of your life back together for you three times. Three times more than I should have.

You broke my friendships, dragged me back into my addictions, and never let me sleep a single night until you'd gotten what you wanted. You held me there with emotional abuse.

I don't need you anymore. I've learnt to love myself. This is probably the one thing I'm truly proud of myself for; learning how to love myself. And honestly, you're probably the only thing in my entire life that I'm truly ashamed of.

...

12.07.09

Once you asked me what made me so invited. I think it's because I really miss the time I knew without anger. I should explain.

I knew without anger the way most kids knew without sex. They heard about it, maybe even saw their parents doing it, but because it didn't exist in their world, they slid it away as something else - something outside themselves, something they don't care to know. They just kept going, through cartoons and crunched leaves and smears of grilled cheese.

I always knew about sex, somehow, but anger - I had no idea. And then one day, I just... did. I saw anger everywhere, in everybody. The way a waitress put my water down too hard. The way my mom scrubbed a pot really fast, or really slow, and it scrapes the sink like something should die but it can't. I see anger the way that creepy kid in the movie sees dead people.

I can't make it go away, but I can shove it under the back of my brain, as long as I feel something similar, but not quite the same. You saw me shove it away, all the time, and you must have known. The way I take my hand, and ball it up until my nails crush into the crutch of my palm. I like to keep it there until it leaves marks.

Last year I was at a party with a psychic, and she took my palm and said I had two lifelines. she said I was very blessed because two lifelines meant I'd never be lonely. But I don't have a real second line, it's just the scars from my nails that keep cutting me down. I guess it's dangerous to fake another lifeline, but I didn't do it on purpose.

What is on purpose: Me calling you back. Because let's face it, you're the worst friend I've ever had. I knew you would be, right from the beginning, right when we said "hi" at the same time, but here's the thing:

That's why I loved you.

Anyways, take care. Maybe one day you'll get what you want, which is what I already have, and then hopefully you'll realize - it doesn't mean what you think it does. Actually, it doesn't mean anything. And right now, I have to make myself believe that you don't mean anything, either.

Oh, also: I have to get ready for this thing tonight, so can I have that dress back? Just leave it outside my door. I can't let you in.

...

12.07.09

All night long the hockey pictures
gaze down at you
sleeping in your tracksuit.
Belligerent goalies are your ideal.
Threats of being traded
cuts and wounds
- all this pleases you.
O my god! you say at breakfast
reading the sports page over the Alpen
as another player breaks his ankle
or assaults the coach.

When I thought of daughters
I wasn't expecting this
but I like this more.
I like all your faults
even your purple moods
when you retreat from everyone
to sit in bed under a quilt.
And when I say 'like'
I mean of course 'love'
but that embarasses you.
You who feels superior to black and white movies
(coaxed for hours to see Casablanca)
though you were moved
by Creature from the Black Lagoon.

One day I'll come swimming
beside your ship or someone will
and if you hear the siren
listen to it. For if you close your ears
only nothing happens. You will never change.

I don't care if you risk
your life to angry goalies
creatures with webbed feet.
You can enter their caves and castles
their glass laboratories. Just
don't be fooled by anyone but yourself.

This is the first lecture I've given you.
You're 'sweet sixteen' you said.
I'd rather be your closest friend
than your father. I'm not good at advice
you know that, but ride
the ceremonies
until they grow dark.

Sometimes you are so busy
discovering your friends
I ache with a loss
- but that is greed.
And sometimes I've gone
into my purple world
and lost you.

One afternoon I stepped
into your room. You were sitting
at the desk where I now write this.
Forsythia outside the window
and sun spilled over you
like a thick yellow miracle
as if another planet
was coaxing you out of the house
- all those possible worlds! -
and you, meanwhile, busy with mathematics.

I cannot look at forsythia now
without loss, or joy for you.
You step delicately
into the wild world
and your real prize will be
the frantic search.
Want everything. If you break
break going out not in.
How you live your life I don't care

but I'll sell my arms for you,
hold your secrets forever.

If I speak of death
which you fear now, greatly,
it is without answers,
except that each
one we know is
in our blood.
Don't recall graves.
Memory is permanent.
Remember the afternoon's
yellow suburban annunciation.
Your goalie
in his frightening mask
dreams perhaps
of gentleness.

...

11.30.09

I don't want you to take your eyes off of me

I want to walk past a little too close

I want your breathing to speak for itself

I want your attention

Even though I'm taken

I'd like you to like me

So that I can lead you on

...

11.30.09

I'm on a mission
A mission to be raped
I'll take it with pride
I'll take it like a man
Yeah

I guess it's not rape
Cause I'll like it
Yeah I'll like it
Just so he won't.

...

11.29.09

Yesterday, you walked me to my car. You tried to kiss me, but I closed the door and drove away. I wasn't angry with you. I wasn't hurt by you. I was free from you. My foot on the gas felt just the same as my hand pushing yours away from my belt buckle. It reminded me I'm in control of my life and I shouldn't feel bad about it.

For awhile I forgot a relationship is for two. Ours mainly seems to cater to you. Your kisses ignite my skin, make my toes curl, everything. I want to scream. I feel like my body is betraying me. Like a best friend who's pressuring me to do the wrong thing. The sex tricked me, like an optical illusion; I couldn't see the hurt you've caused me. But we haven't had sex since that day in my bedroom, maybe we won't ever again. I know it scared you.

I get the feeling that you think I'm lying to you. The thing is, I've never been so truthful. I kept myself quiet because that's how I've felt all these nights. I would have told you if you'd asked. You never asked.

You saw my room last week for the first time. You walked in, and lost me in the process of finding me. My room is me, materialized, but you'd never seen it before. You'd never seen me before. You finally made the connection between my love of my own vagina and how it makes me a liberated woman. You finally realized you're the player who got played. You finally noticed I love myself more than I love you.

You spat out your revelation like it was a bad thing. I apologize for not being plagued with penis envy. I apologize for being as indifferent as you. I apologize for seeing myself in the right light.

Well now I'm lying to you. It feels just like that time I hit you. I prefer the truth because at least it feels like self-defense. It's justified.

I know I've hurt you and that you've been suffering since that day in my room. I guess I'm that kind of girl; the kind that saves herself first. If you can survive me for just a little bit longer, I'll get you out of here safe and sound. I just need to find my own way out first. Otherwise, you'll never learn your lesson and you'll fall for another girl just like me. At least I hope there's other girls just like me.

...

11.28.09

The sun stabs through my shades and I still haven't slept.

It's your fault, but you're probably proud of it. It's your fault, but you're awake, too. Maybe our skin made a sleepless pact when it pushed too hard through the rest of our bodies. Maybe we're just still high on cigarettes and skipping lines and other people's spilled drinks. Either way, my gut's still got the shimmers.

I actually hate it, the whole idea of planning myself around someone else. I don't want to be quiet just because you're sleeping. I don't want to be naked just because you're sexed. I said I'd never do it. But today I went outside for a Coke and I plopped myself too close to your stairwell, and swung my legs like Alice on the Wall.

I couldn't stop laughing and I couldn't stop hating, and the fizz in my stomach turned sour and warm at the same time. And I thought if I had to be tied to you, not always but sometimes, then maybe a part of me - the one I keep ignoring - could finally keep still.

Thank God you didn't see me. But yeah, I wish you did.

...

11.28.09

To the boy who broke my bed:

I've thought about all the things I could do, but they don't count. In this town, could and can are the same difference as my heart and yours, meaning, only one of them exists.

So all the coulds - the control copy paste, the photos, the facebooks, the fits - whatever. You're more likely to wake up with a Louboutin in your ass than to see me behave like a girl in rage.

But you must know that I am. Enraged. In rage. All of it. I know you like pictures better than words, so let's try this:

Imagine a backwards balcony scene where he says, "Sneak downstairs and kiss me, I'm in love with you," and she does. Then imagine after the makeout, hazy in the lamppost and hot, he punches her. Hard. And kicks in her gut. His sneaker steps on her hand. And he leaves her, in the pink nightgown, spitting blood between lip gloss.

To the boy who broke my bed:

I put it back together. All by myself.

...

11.28.09
.
I Like Fucking
.
Do you believe there's anything beyond troll guy reality?
Cause I do
.
It gets so hard
Just to be okay
Sometimes being happy
Is what I'm most afraid of
Baby, you know
It gets so hard
For me to fight
I don't know how
I guess I never did
Why don't you show me now
How to lose control
.
She's so very I don't care
She's so very I don't care
.
Just cause my world,
Sweet sister,
Is so fucking goddamn full of rape
Doesn't mean my body
Must always be a source of
Pain
No
No No No
.
She's so very I don't care
She's so very I don't care
.
Just cause I named it right here,
Sweet chickadee,
Doesn't mean for a minute
You should think
I'm opposite of anything
But if you wanna know for sure
I'll tell you
We're not going to prove
Nothing, nothing
Sitting around
Watching each other starve
What we need is action/strategy
I want it
I want it
I want it now
.
I believe in the radical possibilies of pleasure babe
I do
I do
I do.

...

11.28.09

Every fucking minute of my life I wonder why I love you. I know how I love you, how that's possible. I know.
But why?
Why the fuck do I shove so much goddamn agony in my own face, in my own heart, just so I can be with you.
I'm not the kind of girl who lets go. I'm not the kind of girl who says goodbye. It's always "see you next time"; "see you soon". Pathetically hoping (and telling you) you won't forget me. Hell, I hope you never forget me. At least not before I forget you.
You aren't even that memorable. Look at your face, look at your body, look at your heart. I can barely see it. I'd like to cremate you from my memories. Live my life again. But I never give myself the chance.

You know, I've secretly always wished I was a lesbian. And I'm being serious. I have this friend, a girl friend and I love her with all my heart. I distance myself though, because loving her is an extremely painful experience. We never fight, we always laugh and yet I can't see her like that. I always wonder why? How can I love her more than any man in the world, but I can't love her like that?
I know she could never love me romantically, just as much as I can't love her romantically. It's not a part of me. But I still can't comprehend why, because she's beautiful and she's healthy for me. She's nutrients for my heart. She's my happiness.
Then I begin to wonder why non-sexual love is never fulfilling enough. I know as humans we want sex, maybe even need it, but why can't we live by the mantra "Love your friends, fuck your enemies"? Maybe I should marry her and we can fuck men when we need to. I'm not that sexually driven anyways. We could marry for our love, solely, as opposed to the sexual relationship and love that is said to be proper and albeit conventional.
I feel silly saying these things. Almost dirty, like it's wrong in some way. I'm not a lesbian. You see, being a lesbian would make this okay for me to say. But I'm not, and so this makes everything I say completely new, different to me. I feel selfish, wanting to keep her to myself, even though friendship should be more free than that.
Maybe I'm just sick of men.

...

10.16.09

1 year ago
You didn't know my name
6 months ago
I barely looked your way
3 months ago
We realized we were in love
Today
You're the person that I'll always dream of

...

10.16.09

Looking at pictures, its hard to see the same person because I feel like I know you on a much more intimate level...

...

10.04.09

I can never find the words that explain my feelings for you. All I can say it this:

(I hope you understand)

When you look at me I feel infinitely

When you touch me I feel infinitely

When you kiss me I feel infinitely

When you are with me I am infinite

And I hope you feel the same, because I really believe this:

We will never stop being. We will never stop growing.

Together.

Forever.

We are infinite.

...

09.27.09

I'm sorry I'm a feminist



















I can't give you what you want

.

.

Because I know that it's me

...

09.24.09

"I want you to rape me
I need you to beat me
I'd love you to use me
I'm begging you to bruise me

I want you to rape me
I need you to break me
I'd love you to damage me
I swear
I'll wear my shortest black skirt
My lowest cut shirt
I'll wait all alone
In the dark
In a deserted parking lot
If that's what you want
I'll make it so damn easy for you
If you'll just say you'll rape me

Don't I turn you on?
Make you want to take advantage of me?
Feel me up without my permission
You know I want you when I start crying
Make me feel like I'm dying
Oh don't I just flip your switch?

I want you to rape me
I need you to beat me
I'd love you to hurt me
I'm begging you to destroy me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
Oh yes I want you to
Rape me tonight"

...

09.24.09

"And as I stand here, looking at you, I wonder if there is ever going to be a day I get over your smile.When I will let go of the hugs you gave me, that I continue to feel. A day when I let go of the words you said to me, or forget how much I love you. But no matter what you did to me, or whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go, or forget you.
I've learnt to keep my composure, to play it cool when really it's killing me inside. I've learnt to let it go, to let you go. Yet I still care and it, honestly, it sucks. I want to be out there, gone and away from you. I want to forget about you. I want to move on, but I can't, and I don't know why.
It's when I'm standing six feet from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you... that I just want to scream to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand, dialing your number and just hanging up... that I would trade a million tomorrows for just one more yesterday. It's when I'm really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who knew me at all. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night, and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me."

...

09.21.09

Why do I smile

When you say that I'm pretty?

It milks me of my

integrity

It rapes me of my

strength

I can see the irony

When you steal that smile from me

It's what makes me not

so pretty after all

...

09.21.09

Girls get screwed.

Not that kind of screwed,

what I mean is,

they're always

on the short

end of

things.

The way things work, how

guys feel great, but

make girls feel

cheap for doing

exactly what

they beg

for.

The way they get to play

you, all the while

claiming they

love you and

making you

believe it's

true.

The way it's okay to gift

their heart one day, a

backhand the next, to

move on to the apricot

when the peach

blushes and

bruises.

These things make me believe

God's a man, after all.

...

09.21.09

They say you'll remember
your first kiss forever. I will.
It was fourth of July.
It was Christmas.
Fireworks. Snowflakes.
Sunstroke and frostbite.
It was all I could ask for
and completely unexpected.
I expected demands.
He gifted me with tenderness.
I expected ego.
He let me experiment.
I expected disrespect.
He called me beautiful.

...

09.21.09

He wanted to kiss me

I felt it with every nerve,

every fibre,

every molecule

of my being.

I wanted him to kiss me

with every nerve,

every fibre,

every molecule

of my being.

But I was scared to kiss him.

Every nerve,

every fibre,

every molecule

screamed!

He leaned forward,

parted those

perfect lips.

At that exact moment,

every

single

thing

about

my

life

changed.

Forever.

...

09.13.09

"I'm a girl, I'm only thirteen
My body rots because I won't fucking eat
I'm a silent star on the b-roll
I'm the mirror fucking image of no control
Give me an award; I conquered food again
What else is better in life than to purge my pain?
If I cut, I won't look like that
If I cut... If I cut I won't feel like this shit"

...

09.10.09

"I say 'I wanna come over'
You say, 'okay, just come over'
Your friends are all on the couch
Your friends said 'let's walk around'
I'll pretend your friends are my friends
And kinda try not to offend them
But I won't let you see anything real
Let you know
That there's limits

I stopped talking an hour ago

It's a particular point of view
This group's dynamic caters to
It's a predictable point of view
I think you know when it caters to you

And if you do know
Don't act like you don't
Because it's really annoying
And if you don't know
Well let's just say
You are a lot, lot stupider than I thought.

I'll pretend your friends are my friends
But I don't want to hear you defend them
In fact, that kind of insults me
And I kinda don't really want to be here right now

I stopped talking an hour ago

Okay, your whole thing put me in negative space
For way too fucking long
The only thing I managed to say during that time was
I hate danger
What I really should have said was
You're so not dangerous
You're so not what you say you are at all"

...

09.09.09

I'm scared to tell you how much I don't love you. While the sun shines on my face, the rain still pours in my heart. I don't dance in the rain, in fact, I don't dance at all. My heart is leaking and my veins are a delicate lace which are becoming permanently stained.
You saw the fresh cuts on my hips. You also saw the scars. You kept your mouth clamped shut and faked blindness. I know that you know my problem is real; I'm not an exhibitionist. Those red, blunt cuts stay hidden under my jeans, under my panties... those garments you so readily remove without my approval.
I know it's not rape, but it's guilt, which almost feels the same. You ask again and again until there aren't any more "no"'s left in my mouth. When I vomit out the word "okay", you're satisfied, even though you know what I really mean. It's not okay. But you plunge on.
It still hurts. I can feel my pulse between my legs. You feel stuck because I'm dry as a bone. I don't want this. I don't want you. Yet it hurts more in my chest, beneath my ribs; that fragile cage... so easy to break. But I'll silence my sobs. I'll suck it up for the next five minutes.
Then it's over. You're sweaty, I'm trembling. You feel satisfied, I feel nothing. That's the only strong part about me; the sex doesn't change me. You don't change me. But I can't be that strong... because I can't change, even for myself.

...

09.09.09

When she talks I hear the revolution

In her hips there's revolution

When she walks the revolution's coming

In her kiss I taste the revolution



Oh how I fucking love her <3

...

09.07.09

It's unfortunate how many times I'm honked at on my way home. The disrespectful yells and unashamed stares disgust me. I hate my body. I want to slice up my thighs, gouge out my stomach, mutilate my face. Anything to divert their eyes from my body. My body holds no beauty, it's merely the vehicle for Me. My being. But nobody sees her.
Everyone sees this grunged-up, locked away Kristyn who is apparently only a sex object. Nobody sees me.
I suppose I hide from everyone and it's pathetic that I wait for someone to find me. Nobody can find me. I'm too lost, too dark, too cluttered. And yet, I'm never really alone. I'm always surrounded by friends, family, lovers... and yet it all seems like such a false idea.

×××

It's truly sad how even though he says he only has eyes for you, we all know he doesn't. Boys lie. Always. There's no exception to this rule and it's silly for us to suppose there is. To even hope is to let yourself fall to a shattering ending.
I used to wish that everyone was blind, but I realize that would be selfish. Now I only wish that I were invisible. I wish that me and him were alone. No... I wish I were alone.

×××

Dead men don't rape.

...

08.13.09

"Love
Love hangs herself
With the bedsheets in her cell
Threw myself on fires for you
10 good reasons to stay alive
10 good reasons that I can't find

Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body, so sick in his soul
Oh, give me one reason to be beautiful

Oh, and everything I am
Love hates you
I live my life in ruins for you
And for all your secrets kept
I squashed the blossom and the blossom's dead

Oh, give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body, so sick in his soul
Oh, and I will make myself so beautiful

Oh, and everything I am
Miles and miles of perfect skin
I swear I do, I fit right in
My love burns through everything
I cannot breathe
Miles and miles of perfect sin
I swear, I said, I fit right in
I fit right in your perfect skin
I cannot breathe

Hey, baby, take it all the way...down
Hey, baby, taste me anyway
Oh, you were born
So pretty oh summerbabe
We'll never know...
And fading like a rose

Give me a reason to be beautiful
So sick in his body, so sick in his soul
I'll give you my body, just sell me your soul
Oh, and everything I am will be bought and sold
Oh, and everything I am will turn hard and cold

And they say in the end
You'll get bitter just like them
And they steal your heart away
When the fire goes out you better learn to fake
It's better to rise than fade away.....
Hey you were right
Named a star for your eyes
Did you freeze did you weep
Turn to gold, baby, sleep
Hey honey mine
I was there all the time
And I weep at your feet
And it rains and rains"

...

08.13.09

"Everytime that I sell myself to you
I feel a little bit cheaper than I need to
I wiil tear the petals off of you
Rose-red, I will make you tell the truth
Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Yeah, she was asking for it
Did she ask you twice?
Everytime that I stare into the sun
Angel dust and my dress just comes undone
Everytime that I stare into the sun
Be a model or just look like one
Well I'll rock it to the end
Do you think you can make me do it again?
Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Yeah, she was asking for it
Did she ask you twice?
If you live through this with me, I swear that I will die for you
And if you live through this with me, I swear that I will die for you
Was she asking for it?
Was she asking nice?
Yeah, she was asking for it
Did she ask you twice?"

...

08.12.09

You know, the only time when you're honest about who you are is when the lights go out at night. It's because you don't have to face yourself and when you wake up in the morning you'll forget the truth anyways. Besides, if you do recall what you saw and said and heard you can pass it off as just another nightmare.

I'm scared of who I'm becoming. A wretched, washed up, sloth-like woman with no ideals, no standards. I can't bring myself to pick you apart and realize you're just the same as me. We should change you know. Take an axe to our present selves. Figuratively of course.

I wish I was with you for a real reason. Not just because you make me feel better about myself. You don't challenge me, you don't inspire me. Hell, all you do is flatter me; compliment me; dote on me. Or at least you do when you want me to stop bitching. And look at what you are. You're digusting, a slob and lazy. You drink too much and you pay too many women. Its not like I don't know, I'm just scared to think that I might not be able to score any better. It's sad that your shitty treatment actually makes me think a little better of myself. That's how fucked up my self-image is.

I thought I was in love once. I was sixteen and he had a year or three on me. I was wreckless and lovesick and couldn't keep my goddamn mouth shut, or my legs for that matter. He knew he had me trapped. Relationship dynamics were far beyond me. I moved too fast, or at least that's what I like to tell myself. I should just accept that he never intended on going anywhere with me. He just wanted me for the sex. His schedule often ran as such: He came to my house, he came in my house (and me) and he left. On occasion I might have been lucky to get a goodbye kiss. Bastard.

Since then I don't do love. Opening your legs is much easier than opening your heart.

...

08.10.09

I have nothing to say because I have nothing to think. My mind is parched of the juices of existance. The blood that trickles from my veins is black and sour. I try to siphon my thoughts of emptiness into one single point; one pinnacle of reality. But the detonation of brilliance eludes me.
I wallow in my blankets. I overheat my body, sweating, hoping the poisons will crawl out from my pores. I close my eyes and see words written across my eyelids. These words.
My story is humiliating and it reeks of the mundane. I cannot look you in the eye. This inspiration is putrid and selfish and speaks to no one but me.

I wish that I could speak to you.

But when I am around you I am deprived of eloquence. My vocalizations turn simply to talk or worse... mutterings. And you dismiss me like everyone else because they challenge no thought for you. I know that I could invigorate your mind and yet I know that I can't.
We think alike... when I can think, and you're not scared to share your thoughts. But I am. As I said, my story is humiliating.

...

08.10.09

Sometimes he grasps my heart a little too hard. It feels like it's about to be wrenched out of my chest. And I'll look over and it will be beating away on the bed beside me. And my yearning becomes detached.
He knows he's got ahold of me and he likes to drag me along. Sometimes it's fun, but it mainly feels like skidding down a gravel road at full speed. I have no control. Sometimes I just wish he would reach in and steal my heart or puncture it so its no longer a part of me.

...

08.10.09

I want to be free to like a boy. I want to be asked out again. I like that part of the story. Afterwards, all they tell you is to live happily ever after, but they don't tell you what that means. They don't tell you because the story no longer matters. Nothing of interest. Life continues into monotony.

...

07.19.09

"He says I'm crazy
I say "Oh really?"
I'm going to jump on you on the bed.
Make me a monkey
Make me fall over
Make me a cradle
Hold me instead
I'm not going to say it
Okay I'll say it
Flying over stars
And over to your room
I'm caught in an ice storm
I'm caught in your eyes
I'm losing my mind
But I'm winning you

Send me you on Saturday
Or Thursday
I want to get to you tonight
Send me you on Sunday
Or Wednesday
I want to get this right

Maybe I'll come over
Do you want me to come over?
Can I sing to you, goodnight?
I just want pleasure
I just want heaven
I just want you tonight
Tonight!
'Cause this is going somewhere
Feels like forever
Can't I bite your hands
Your neck
Alright?

Send me you on Saturday
Or Thursday
I want to get to you tonight
Send me you on Sunday
Or Wednesday
I want to get this right
Send me you on Friday
Or monday
I want to get to you tonight
Send me you on Saturday
Or Tuesday
I want to get you right."

...

07.19.09

"I wind you up
Then I wait here
For the melancholy
I give you up
While you sit here
In all of your glory
I never thought you would
I never knew you could
But now you're gone
And I don't think I care
I sold your love
Down the river
For a bow and arrow
Euphoria has just been here
And she's looking terrible
I've never sunk this low
It's better if you go
When you're nearby
I see you
And want you to try
To love me
Like a monster
One last time
Control me
Like a father
One last time
Stay with me
Till I'm stronger
One last round
To kick me when I'm down
Don't kick me when I'm down
I never thought you would
I never understood
That's why I'm weak
And I want you to try
To make me an example
One last time
To drag me
Through the cycle
One last time
To make me a disciple
One last round
Will get me to the ground
You'll get me on the ground
I guess I'll see you around
I'll see you around"

...

07.17.09

Who are we?
Inquired my friend
Inexistance perhaps
Scaled down to
Nothingness
Heartbeats are silenced
To an amplification so great
So great we believe it's there
Metronomical
Is that even a word?
We ask ourselves
And of course it is
We just said it
Creation
Unheard of?
Or unseen?
Perhaps both
Engineered articulation
Unfathomable
By those walking
In lines so great
They stretch the whole world
Until disintegration
The End
No the beginning
The essence
Of who we are
Defied
You and your brothers
And your heroes
And those unearthly
Gods
Do not exist
By my side
Or in the heavens
That are but
Skies
So blue
As blue as my sad
Who comes around
On occasions of
Exploration
Too see inside
The answer
To my friend's
Inquiry
Which has
Not to
This day been
Answered

...

07.17.09

My fractional heart beats on
A filigree of blood and sadness
You inebriate me
You lead me on with your wiles

But this flesh of vermillion
Has a carnal need
Love was ephemeral
But my heart is still awake

...

07.17.09

Existing in this stasis
Longing and savouring
A sojourn with you
Enamored 'till dawn
Dissolved, then sequestered
Destitute in this void
Automatous and cramped
I lust for cessation

...

07.17.09

Farm life is simple, peaceful and Me. I love it here. I love the daily chores that keep my moving body coated with a film of healthy perspiration. I love how fit I feel. How I don't mind getting dirty and how, on a hot day, I can feel the water from the hose evaporating off of my skin.
I love the animals. More than anything, I love the animals. But I also love the plants. They feel so alive, but not just in a biologically sense; they seem to beam with wisdom. I honestly envy them. The way they dance to the music the wind orchestrates. And all the pretty colours. Colours I can only immitate.
I wonder if they love me back? If they look down at me with care and the desire to protect me. I hope so, because they remind me to love myself and all the people who love me. They are peace to my heart.
When I was little they were my playground and my hiding spot. They were like a lost country just for me. All for me. I was Pocahontas, I was Tinkerbell and most often I was just a monkey swinging in the trees. I felt so safe and just utterly fearless climbing those branches, or hidden in the long grass. I felt a sisterly love for all the flowers that I picked. I wanted to protect them and never allow them to become damaged.
Maybe I was just a silly girl, but that world was more of a home to me than my technical home was. My favourite memory is the dew on the soles of my feet from the early mornings in grandpa's back yard.
I missed the smell of the world. I love being home.

...

07.17.09

Lately, I've found myself stuck in thought. Nothing flows through my mind anymore. I'm really disappointed in myself. Perhaps I just need some inspiration.

...

07.17.09

See through eyes
Into eyes
Up into the sky
A transparent self
My soul; the clouds
And it rains

...

07.17.09

Why are people so fucking self-centered? I am so tired of people being so obnoxious and rude. They have no quelms with interruption and rejection of other people. Stop living your life like you are the only one here; you are surrounded by deserving people.

...

07.17.09

Don't ever question my authority over myself. I can walk without you, I can speak without you and I can still love without you. I am declaring my autonomy.

...

07.17.09

Intellectually I am capable of success. However, without enthusiasm I have no fuel. I'm still stuck in park.

...

07.17.09

I just feel so used and so used up. I'm sick of trying to make everyone else happy. Why can't someone try to make me happy for once?

...

07.17.09

Her lips are so innocent
How beautiful, her eyes do tell the truth
She can't pretend that person she wishes to be
Because in the purest sense she's
so beautiful
Too beautiful

And if she walks in my direction
I'll just slip a smile
Let's let her know
As hidden as she thinks she is
Oh no, we can see right through
She's too beautiful

She's scared
So scared
Thoughts divided
By her differences

She's beautiful
Too beautiful
For me

...

07.17.09

I write to myself because there is no one to write to. My words continue to go unheard. I used to share them with Him but these past months have gone by and nothing has been shared between us.
My prose, my poetry, my life, can remain my own. For years, for decades, and especially for this moment. I bless myself with this gift and it is happily received.
Move onwards my darling. The future is much happier than the past. So much happier than the present. I love you and you deserve this.

...

06.04.09

"You thought I liked your music, but I didn’t.Your chords are sour and your strums seep like slop into separate sounds. Your voice is too much like copper and I think your words are too strung and too stinging to celebrate the knots in your heart. But I’ll listen anyway. I’ll keep my eyes open and my gut shut.I have to, because without you I’d have no fuel. Your words are my fumes, your swears super unleaded. It pumps me until I can get out of bed. I guess my doctor would call it rage. I guess my mind would call it love.You thought I liked your music, but I don’t.I guess everyone else does because it shows them something different; something scary; something new. I guess I don’t because it’s what I hear in my head every second, and I don’t really like to share."

...

03.25.09

"Go ahead and tell me you'll leave again. you'll just come back running. Holding your scarred heart in hand. It's all the same and I'll take you for who you are, if you take me for everything. Do it all over again. It's all the same"

...

03.12.09

Where did the love go?
It vanished sometime along the way
There's no point chasing it
It will always get away

...

03.07.09

Maybe it's not okay
Have you ever thought?
It's not meant to be said
Aloud anymore
For a year or three
Whichever I feel
Till I can believe

...

02.16.09

They say you need someone
Well you only need yourself
So happy I could
Maybe help you out
Alot are scared of me
For no one but themselves
Alot won't talk to me
To find the truth out

Running crazy
Running nowhere
Running crazy
And back again

You saw me on the streets
laughing at your cowardice
You're caught in his arms
And you won't break away
you're held there
but you don't see
the death you've bought yourself
no one knows but me
and i'll try to keep your secret

Running crazy
Running nowhere
Running crazy
And back again

The weak can't rise again
because they never took the fall
I knew you couldn't fly
held right to the ground
but i can stay up here
and i'll watch over you

Running crazy
Running nowhere
Running crazy
And back again

...

02.16.09

So aroused
I'm not aroused
You don't do anything to me
Staying in
All day long
And my curtains will stay closed

I'll fall asleep without you

I can't keep blank
another day
there's nothing to erase
except for you
but even then
I'll say why

I'll fall asleep without you

Maybe come in
Come inside me
we'll see what's going down

I'll fall asleep with you

...

02.16.09

She stays up all night
wondering what to do
shred her body
or turn back time
why'd it happen?
she should have closed herself
but no she

Opened wide
and her soul escaped

I guess she didn't guess
the consequences
thought she'd be fine
maybe she would find
pleasure
to which she'd never had
but instead she found torment

she opened wide
and her soul escaped

Is this the end?
why should it be?
but she'll

Run and hide
and never find herself

...

02.16.09

Here today
Why today?
I guess it's not tomorrow
Not alone
Disappeared together
Smile today
Not frown again
We're all here together
Nowhere
At last

...

02.16.09

When you go out
To the streets downtown
You'll avert your eyes
Perhaps they'll be gone
Defaced walls
Homeless men
Trying to survive

Here in lies
Disgust undisguised

I guess they're see through
Unbelievable
Disgracing the streets
A sordid painting
At your feet
As though anything
Could ever fall
Fall below
That solid line
Only the human mind

Here in lies
Disgust undisguised

...

02.16.09

Open your eyes
So you can see me
Let's identify
So you'll still need me
We aren't alone
Surrounded by ourselves
It's dominating
You can't control yourself

Why can't it always be this way?

Exploration
To our new found selves
Hiding out
Whispering to no one else
Not a secret
The first time we heard it
But we've realized
It's a part of Us

Why can't it always be this way?

...

01.30.09

I'm going nowhere
Nowhere with this man
I feel more used
than loved
and I don't know
how to turn around

He can't see my eyes
Get me out
He can't see my eyes
Get me out

Come, come, come
Come on
I can't hear
my own self talk
Maybe I can think
but it makes no fucking difference

He can't see my eyes
Get me out
He can't see my eyes
Get me out

...

01.13.09

Tonight burnt my out
Hate and shout
You want to walk with me?
You never talk to me
you never even look me in the eyes
It's no suprise
Dishonesty
All the time with me

You say, you said, you say
That you need me
I know, I knew, I know
You don't treat me
Right
I'm running away tonight

Your stabs have
Ripped me to shreds
Left me for dead
And that won't be the end
Those unforgettable words
I can't stop the hurt
I won't let you come
When I run

You say, you said, you say
That you need me
I know, I knew, I know
You don't treat me
Right
I'm running away tonight

You don't need me
You just feed me
Lies
I'm running away tonight

You say, you said, you say
That you need me
I know, I knew, I know
You don't treat me right
I'm running away tonight

×××

Summer's gone by
I said goodbye
To life awhile ago

Warm winds
And my sins
Forgotten long ago

She said the sky
Will smile tonight
And then never again

She said our minds
Will open wide
Engulfing prayers on our fingertips

I think the flowers
Sold our power
to that man we once held dear

the hearts of thousands
Chased their husbands
Down the road to God knows where

That field so empty
and so lonely
has been long ago set free

Our minds were made
To change the ways
of things dealt in the past

Our impurities
so purely
Beautiful in every way

We'll rise against
The wind again
and fly away from here

The most important thing
We'll ever sing
Is how we love ourselves

We'll hear our names
And smile again
Happy for who we are

You've blessed our world
All of you girls
So please just love yourselves

Love yourself

×××

I ran away
today
chased my fears
to here
i smell the new
who knew
life could blister
sister
pop right out
and shout
in your face
your place
in this social hierarchy
you're not free

you're not free
from this destiny
you'll see
fate is a part of everything

and i've talked
the talk
to get to safety
maybe
closed my door
to horrors
it's warm inside
so we'll hide
from the world outside
we cry
but now we're stuck
and out of luck
in a place we cannot see
i guess we're not free

you're not free
from this destiny
you'll see
fate is a part of everything

×××

This city with its burnt out lights
Paints the face of no delight
The inspiration of the sins
To all the kids who live within
The broken streets at all hours
Makes you feel so unempowered

All the buildings with their crumbling stairs
Forgot long ago to hear our prayers
Bridges swaying in the wind
Encouraging apathy to no end
These parkades with their flickering lights
Makes us kids so impolite

The kids have nowhere to go
The kids have nothing to show
The kids have nowhere to go


Leaving here
We'll disappear
Skylines change
We'll never be the same

...

01.11.09

" I feel so numb.I hate parents. I just hate them.They dont realize how terrible they can make our lives. It's so easy to do and they don't even care. They care about their happiness and what they think is right, not even taking into consideration we are our own people with our own minds and needs.If she wants her to be happy, this is NOT the way to do it.I just dont know what to doHannah told her mom last night.This morning her mom found Hannah's camera with pictures of us kissing.Hannah's mom makes her call me and her mom talks to me saying I'm never allowed to talk to her again. On the computer, on the phone, anywhere. ever. until she's 18.She's "not comfortable with this" and she's "sure I'm a nice girl, but she's going to have to ask me to leave her daughter alone." She " doesn't want to have to call my mom."I just stood there shaking. What could I say?Hannah's bawling, I can't cry because I'm at the barn and my grandma was there to pick me up.I'm so upsetI'm sitting here bawling my eyes out.I dont even know what to doI dont know what to doShe doesn't deserve this, not at all. She's such a good person, she doesn't deserve to have all this shit happen.All she could say to me over and over again while she was bawling was "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you."I don't know what to do.I just want to go save her. I dont want this to happen to her.She told her mom for me. She thought maybe it would make it easier for us to be together.-- and for anyone still confused, Hannah is my girlfriend. She told her mom she likes girls last night.She doesn't deserve this shit.oh my fuck I hate life"

...

01.11.09

There's nothing in this world
Nothing for me
And people say to dream

Fantasies aren't gonna live out
No one talks
Only scream and shout

Open your legs, open your ears
Open your heart
But what can you really hear?

Nobody gets it
But they say they do
You say you think
But it's not really you

Maybe you're right
Maybe I'm wrong
Either way I'm still gonna fight

I piss on you now
Cause you pissed on me then
Now everything is coming around

How can you even say
That you can see
When blindness fills your ways

Nobody gets it
But they say they do
You say that you think
But it's not really you

How can you say
You know what I need
You say I'm unlocked
Perhaps I've been freed

Well lock me back up
Lock me back up
Lock me back up
Away from here

Keep me out of this fucked up world

Nobody gets it
But they say that they do
If you say that you're thinking
Then I'm glad I'm not you