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12.07.09

Once you asked me what made me so invited. I think it's because I really miss the time I knew without anger. I should explain.

I knew without anger the way most kids knew without sex. They heard about it, maybe even saw their parents doing it, but because it didn't exist in their world, they slid it away as something else - something outside themselves, something they don't care to know. They just kept going, through cartoons and crunched leaves and smears of grilled cheese.

I always knew about sex, somehow, but anger - I had no idea. And then one day, I just... did. I saw anger everywhere, in everybody. The way a waitress put my water down too hard. The way my mom scrubbed a pot really fast, or really slow, and it scrapes the sink like something should die but it can't. I see anger the way that creepy kid in the movie sees dead people.

I can't make it go away, but I can shove it under the back of my brain, as long as I feel something similar, but not quite the same. You saw me shove it away, all the time, and you must have known. The way I take my hand, and ball it up until my nails crush into the crutch of my palm. I like to keep it there until it leaves marks.

Last year I was at a party with a psychic, and she took my palm and said I had two lifelines. she said I was very blessed because two lifelines meant I'd never be lonely. But I don't have a real second line, it's just the scars from my nails that keep cutting me down. I guess it's dangerous to fake another lifeline, but I didn't do it on purpose.

What is on purpose: Me calling you back. Because let's face it, you're the worst friend I've ever had. I knew you would be, right from the beginning, right when we said "hi" at the same time, but here's the thing:

That's why I loved you.

Anyways, take care. Maybe one day you'll get what you want, which is what I already have, and then hopefully you'll realize - it doesn't mean what you think it does. Actually, it doesn't mean anything. And right now, I have to make myself believe that you don't mean anything, either.

Oh, also: I have to get ready for this thing tonight, so can I have that dress back? Just leave it outside my door. I can't let you in.