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03.21.2013

I love love love how you always call me grrrl
And that you've given me the chance to fuckin rock your world
and that you realize and understand
that to respect and treat me right's what makes you a real man
and that by listening to every concern that I voice
you'll know I never see you as an obligation but instead as a choice
because there's no pressure to not do as I fucking please
you won't think I'm a prude or just some fucking tease
and it's relieving that this is something that you really do believe
that a woman's body is her own and not just for your own release

I'm sick of being told that men are just like this or just like that
As though I've got to accept social perceptions as fucking facts
Every man is accountable for how he fucking acts
Don't play it off as your hormones or cuz I'm showing too much ass

I guess I kinda digressed here
but I really wanna stress here
It's not about how I dress dear
But whether I say yes here

Regardless if I said yes before
Or if you think that I'm a whore
Yes means yes and there's really nothing more
None of this no means no shit no more

I've found a real man who respects my body
Even on those nights where I'm fucking drunk and sloppy
So please girls don't let a bunch of nobodies
Convince you your body's public property

And men, come at me with all your "facts"
The kinda bullshit you prolly learned in class
As if those institutions don't facilitate
Male domination and female hate
The patriarchy is so discreetly capable
That it deals rape culture out under the table
Leaving the public incapable
of realizing it's all actually escapable

And it's sad that what I'm saying
Is a fucking revelation
That a plague so toxic's infection this whole nation
That to rape a woman's just male participation
That to rape a woman's just an expectation
That if she's saying no she just needs some persuasion
Cuz nobody wants to see it as a personal invasion
an attack that can't compare to any other violation
but no, she put herself in that situation
Cuz boys will be boys, as if that's a valid justification
or she's just a fucking liar with a bullshit imagination
or a fucking whore who loved that penetration

Cuz if you listen and believe her
then half your sons are sinners
and most of your daughers
are fucking victims

So you cover it up, sweep it under the rug
Believing your kids know respect's synonymous with love
Cuz if they don't then you really fucked up
Our generation's the result of how we were brought up.

I clearly remember the force he used to push inside of me
The way I refused to let him see me crying
The way my body blocked out all sensation
My mind was rewriting reality and covering it up with my imagination

It lasted maybe five minutes
Which felt like an eternity
Except it didn't
It was like time was no longer linear and constant
I was spinning around in loops, one minute would feel like a second
And a second felt like an hour
I couldn't even see anymore
I was dizzy and it was blurry and my eyes masked his features

I don't think I've ever felt so disconnected from the world
and from my body and my brain and it was like nothing was real or true or there
At all.
I wonder if this is how I'll feel when I'm dead.
Everything that was always there in your life, the things you could rely on
Just gone.

I don't really know how to articulate how I felt at the time or even how I feel now.
I re-experience the terror all the time
Like it's happening again and it feels just as real
It's not like a memory at all
I always knew you couldn't erase the past
I just never knew it could become your present over and over again
Lurking in the future, just around the corner
Like when's it going to happen next?

A guy I'm with is suddenly wearing my rapist's face
And their hands are calloused and dry just like his were
And I can smell him on their skin, in their hair and on their breath
And his voice comes out of their mouths saying things I can't stand to hear.
And I feel so guilty, carrying this baggage around with me.
Projecting on them all these fucked up things that were forced on me.
And I also feel this sense that I need to say yes.
Not just because of guilt or obligation, but because if I say no I'm giving them all my power.
At least if I agree to it, even if it's not what I want
I made that choice and I feel more in control

But then I feel dirty and empty and unfilled in every way.
I feel sick and weak. Helpless and pathetic. Gross.
And I look at myself in the mirror and I want to slash up my face.
Burn my skin, just disfigure myself so that nobody wants to look at me.
And when they do it's just to stare, not because they want to touch.
They wouldn't want anything from me.

And I realize how naive and stupid I was when I was younger
When I wished I was prettier
When I looked in the mirror and felt ugly
And then I grew up and it happened.
I got my wish
And I regret that I wasn't more careful of what I wished for
Because look at where it got me

I just want someone to hold me
And not expect a goddamn thing
I want them to ask permission and not make assumptions
And see I'm not okay
That I'm trying to hide the way my body is shaking
Trying to conceal how hard I'm breathing
Because it's mortifying
I feel so ashamed.
But nobody notices and I feel like it's my fault
If I was braver I could just make it known and clear how scared I am.
How uncomfortable I am.
But I can't.

I can't articulate the way I feel because it's so conflicting
Everything I feel just brings up another thing to hate about myself
Another thing to pile on top until I'm buried so deep in my own shame and terror
That I'm suffocating and being crushed by all the dirt he threw on me
And I try to scrub it off
Until my skin is red and raw
But it's all under my skin and in my veins, and arteries and filling up my lungs
And I'm wondering if it's just time to give up and admit defeat
Because I don't think I'll ever feel okay enough in my body
To ever want someone to make love to me.

I wear lipstick
And I like dick
So some girls think they can tell me
I'm not a feminist

These girls enrage me
Which leads them to believe
That I'm not an activist
or that I don't have a beef

With this stupid patriarchy
Or this gender dichotomy
I mean all I want is equality
Socially and politically

Just because my preferences
Are sort of the norm
Doesn't mean I don't see a problem
and fight for social reform

I'm sick and tired of
Feeling pressure all around
Both from women and men
And always being put down

Why do these girls think
They can judge me
When they're preaching
Freedom and equality?

I feel these vibes of malice,
Resentment and jealousy
Instead of encouraging each other
in the face of insecurity

It's alienating to feel rejected
From a movement and a scene
That was purpose built
To help out girls like me

The confusion I've felt
Over gender roles
Trying to piece together
If I'm independent or a doll

A puppet
in the grander scheme of things
Suffering these kicks and punches
Without even perceiving the sting

Wondering if my choices
are even what I want
Or if I've been effectually
fed to the dogs

I wish I could extricate myself
Within my body, just feel safe
Instead of swallowing what they feed me
Without even experiencing the taste

So I'll put my fingers down my throat
Puke up this poison from my guts
Let the venom seep out
From the umbilical cord I've cut

But I'll die here alone
if no one arrests the bleeding
I need some girls surrounding me
To expediate my healing

So can we at least have a discourse
Perhaps accept my femininity?
Being a feminist
Shouldn't feel so opressive and obscene

They say we're smothered
by men and their misogony
But it's the lacerations from these girls
That'll be the death of me.