...

01.23.10

"I am under the weather and over the water so no wonder I'm confused. The shimmers on the river match the shimmers in the air, and also suck: every two seconds I'm shaking.

"Take this," says my mother in her newly practiced German and I'm swathed in her faux fur cape, so black it looks real and so huge it fits over my actual coat. "Put the hood on," she instructs, "it's very Natasha."

Note how she didn't say, it's very Milla, or Sasha, or Tanya D.

Instead I am a cartoon villainess with purple hair and a permanent sneer. Which is half-true, anyway. "Bullvinkle I vill get you!" I cackle down the main boulevard; several small children look up and laugh. So does my brother who is gigantic and too young even though he's 23, and older than me by half a lightyear and too much frosting. But I'm catching up.

At 9 am New York time I walk to a cafe and ask for coffee with milk and sugar. The waitress grabs a can of whipped cream and assaults my drink with it. I thank her in broken bits of her language and search for somewhere quiet to laugh.

Our hotel is across the street from the zoo and the world is trying to tell us something."

...

01.18.10

Squalor's beauty

Persists in her heart

.

xoxox

.

Heart you Jade

Don't ever become jaded.

...

01.18.10

Conceit

Helps me hold my head up highSo I might look you in the eyeI'll face you with a brazen stare So please tell me you're not scared

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01.18.10

"Harvey Oswald's dead and gone
He took the last train out of town
One minute man has cocked his load
Yes baby, rooster on parole

Fall into an abyss
Won't you give me just one last kiss
Valium knights in my bed
Only now, he's a vagrant in my head
Golden love is holding on
Holding onto what we had before

JFK's sun went down
He left the thorns of fallen crown
Marilyn Monroe's come, I'll swallow
She is the guts, the glory, sorrow

I'll take it all, give me more
I will be your hero and your whore
Valium knights in my bed
Only now, he's a vagrant in my head
Golden love is holding on
Holding onto what we had before
Loneliness, twilights gone
I don't understand where we went wrong"

xxx

Beautiful words Brody
You're a doll.

...

01.11.10

It's been a long time, but I wish it had been longer. Maybe then we'd have something to say or maybe there would be nothing to say. Either way would be less painful than stumbling through the same old accusations.

You're the kinda guy who tries to talk without words. Rough sex means you're thinking of someone else. Making love is like an apology. Either way, it's never anything good.

I tried telling you why I walked out on you that night. All you said was that I was wrong. I'm always wrong in your eyes, and you're always perfectly right. People often say that you should try to see from the other person's perspective, but all you see then is another tainted window. I try to see from neither of our perspectives.

At least I can admit when I'm wrong. This is something you've never learned. I try to lead by example, but all I ever do is prove you're right yet again. You don't understand, whether from lack of intelligence or from purely being stubborn, I can't say.

I tell this to my friends and they ask me why I even bother hanging onto you. I tell them how refreshing it is to be treated like dirt when everyone else I know looks up to me. They're always searching for my approval and I'm sick of having the final say. I like how you treat me like shit, you're something to push against, and the harder I learn to push... the stronger I'll be.