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11.28.09

Every fucking minute of my life I wonder why I love you. I know how I love you, how that's possible. I know.
But why?
Why the fuck do I shove so much goddamn agony in my own face, in my own heart, just so I can be with you.
I'm not the kind of girl who lets go. I'm not the kind of girl who says goodbye. It's always "see you next time"; "see you soon". Pathetically hoping (and telling you) you won't forget me. Hell, I hope you never forget me. At least not before I forget you.
You aren't even that memorable. Look at your face, look at your body, look at your heart. I can barely see it. I'd like to cremate you from my memories. Live my life again. But I never give myself the chance.

You know, I've secretly always wished I was a lesbian. And I'm being serious. I have this friend, a girl friend and I love her with all my heart. I distance myself though, because loving her is an extremely painful experience. We never fight, we always laugh and yet I can't see her like that. I always wonder why? How can I love her more than any man in the world, but I can't love her like that?
I know she could never love me romantically, just as much as I can't love her romantically. It's not a part of me. But I still can't comprehend why, because she's beautiful and she's healthy for me. She's nutrients for my heart. She's my happiness.
Then I begin to wonder why non-sexual love is never fulfilling enough. I know as humans we want sex, maybe even need it, but why can't we live by the mantra "Love your friends, fuck your enemies"? Maybe I should marry her and we can fuck men when we need to. I'm not that sexually driven anyways. We could marry for our love, solely, as opposed to the sexual relationship and love that is said to be proper and albeit conventional.
I feel silly saying these things. Almost dirty, like it's wrong in some way. I'm not a lesbian. You see, being a lesbian would make this okay for me to say. But I'm not, and so this makes everything I say completely new, different to me. I feel selfish, wanting to keep her to myself, even though friendship should be more free than that.
Maybe I'm just sick of men.