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11.29.09

Yesterday, you walked me to my car. You tried to kiss me, but I closed the door and drove away. I wasn't angry with you. I wasn't hurt by you. I was free from you. My foot on the gas felt just the same as my hand pushing yours away from my belt buckle. It reminded me I'm in control of my life and I shouldn't feel bad about it.

For awhile I forgot a relationship is for two. Ours mainly seems to cater to you. Your kisses ignite my skin, make my toes curl, everything. I want to scream. I feel like my body is betraying me. Like a best friend who's pressuring me to do the wrong thing. The sex tricked me, like an optical illusion; I couldn't see the hurt you've caused me. But we haven't had sex since that day in my bedroom, maybe we won't ever again. I know it scared you.

I get the feeling that you think I'm lying to you. The thing is, I've never been so truthful. I kept myself quiet because that's how I've felt all these nights. I would have told you if you'd asked. You never asked.

You saw my room last week for the first time. You walked in, and lost me in the process of finding me. My room is me, materialized, but you'd never seen it before. You'd never seen me before. You finally made the connection between my love of my own vagina and how it makes me a liberated woman. You finally realized you're the player who got played. You finally noticed I love myself more than I love you.

You spat out your revelation like it was a bad thing. I apologize for not being plagued with penis envy. I apologize for being as indifferent as you. I apologize for seeing myself in the right light.

Well now I'm lying to you. It feels just like that time I hit you. I prefer the truth because at least it feels like self-defense. It's justified.

I know I've hurt you and that you've been suffering since that day in my room. I guess I'm that kind of girl; the kind that saves herself first. If you can survive me for just a little bit longer, I'll get you out of here safe and sound. I just need to find my own way out first. Otherwise, you'll never learn your lesson and you'll fall for another girl just like me. At least I hope there's other girls just like me.