I'm sorry I'm a feminist
I can't give you what you want
.
.
Because I know that it's me
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
...
09.24.09
"I want you to rape me
I need you to beat me
I'd love you to use me
I'm begging you to bruise me
I want you to rape me
I need you to break me
I'd love you to damage me
I swear
I'll wear my shortest black skirt
My lowest cut shirt
I'll wait all alone
In the dark
In a deserted parking lot
If that's what you want
I'll make it so damn easy for you
If you'll just say you'll rape me
Don't I turn you on?
Make you want to take advantage of me?
Feel me up without my permission
You know I want you when I start crying
Make me feel like I'm dying
Oh don't I just flip your switch?
I want you to rape me
I need you to beat me
I'd love you to hurt me
I'm begging you to destroy me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
Oh yes I want you to
Rape me tonight"
"I want you to rape me
I need you to beat me
I'd love you to use me
I'm begging you to bruise me
I want you to rape me
I need you to break me
I'd love you to damage me
I swear
I'll wear my shortest black skirt
My lowest cut shirt
I'll wait all alone
In the dark
In a deserted parking lot
If that's what you want
I'll make it so damn easy for you
If you'll just say you'll rape me
Don't I turn you on?
Make you want to take advantage of me?
Feel me up without my permission
You know I want you when I start crying
Make me feel like I'm dying
Oh don't I just flip your switch?
I want you to rape me
I need you to beat me
I'd love you to hurt me
I'm begging you to destroy me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
I want you to rape me
Oh yes I want you to
Rape me tonight"
...
09.24.09
"And as I stand here, looking at you, I wonder if there is ever going to be a day I get over your smile.When I will let go of the hugs you gave me, that I continue to feel. A day when I let go of the words you said to me, or forget how much I love you. But no matter what you did to me, or whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go, or forget you.
I've learnt to keep my composure, to play it cool when really it's killing me inside. I've learnt to let it go, to let you go. Yet I still care and it, honestly, it sucks. I want to be out there, gone and away from you. I want to forget about you. I want to move on, but I can't, and I don't know why.
It's when I'm standing six feet from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you... that I just want to scream to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand, dialing your number and just hanging up... that I would trade a million tomorrows for just one more yesterday. It's when I'm really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who knew me at all. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night, and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me."
"And as I stand here, looking at you, I wonder if there is ever going to be a day I get over your smile.When I will let go of the hugs you gave me, that I continue to feel. A day when I let go of the words you said to me, or forget how much I love you. But no matter what you did to me, or whatever happens to us, I know I could never get over, let go, or forget you.
I've learnt to keep my composure, to play it cool when really it's killing me inside. I've learnt to let it go, to let you go. Yet I still care and it, honestly, it sucks. I want to be out there, gone and away from you. I want to forget about you. I want to move on, but I can't, and I don't know why.
It's when I'm standing six feet from you and not being able to find the words to tell you how much I love you and how much I miss you... that I just want to scream to the whole room that I'm still in love with you. It's when I'm sitting alone with the phone in my hand, dialing your number and just hanging up... that I would trade a million tomorrows for just one more yesterday. It's when I'm really sad about something and need someone to talk to that I realize you're the only one who knew me at all. It's when I cry myself to sleep at night, and it hits me how much I would give to hold you at that very moment. It's when I think about you that I realize no one else in the world is meant for me."
Monday, September 21, 2009
...
09.21.09
Why do I smile
When you say that I'm pretty?
It milks me of my
integrity
It rapes me of my
strength
I can see the irony
When you steal that smile from me
It's what makes me not
so pretty after all
...
09.21.09
Girls get screwed.
Not that kind of screwed,
what I mean is,
they're always
on the short
end of
things.
The way things work, how
guys feel great, but
make girls feel
cheap for doing
exactly what
they beg
for.
The way they get to play
you, all the while
claiming they
love you and
making you
believe it's
true.
The way it's okay to gift
their heart one day, a
backhand the next, to
move on to the apricot
when the peach
blushes and
bruises.
These things make me believe
God's a man, after all.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
...
09.21.09
They say you'll remember
your first kiss forever. I will.
It was fourth of July.
It was Christmas.
Fireworks. Snowflakes.
Sunstroke and frostbite.
It was all I could ask for
and completely unexpected.
I expected demands.
He gifted me with tenderness.
I expected ego.
He let me experiment.
I expected disrespect.
He called me beautiful.
They say you'll remember
your first kiss forever. I will.
It was fourth of July.
It was Christmas.
Fireworks. Snowflakes.
Sunstroke and frostbite.
It was all I could ask for
and completely unexpected.
I expected demands.
He gifted me with tenderness.
I expected ego.
He let me experiment.
I expected disrespect.
He called me beautiful.
...
09.21.09
He wanted to kiss me
I felt it with every nerve,
every fibre,
every molecule
of my being.
I wanted him to kiss me
with every nerve,
every fibre,
every molecule
of my being.
But I was scared to kiss him.
Every nerve,
every fibre,
every molecule
screamed!
He leaned forward,
parted those
perfect lips.
At that exact moment,
every
single
thing
about
my
life
changed.
Forever.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
...
09.13.09
"I'm a girl, I'm only thirteen
My body rots because I won't fucking eat
I'm a silent star on the b-roll
I'm the mirror fucking image of no control
Give me an award; I conquered food again
What else is better in life than to purge my pain?
If I cut, I won't look like that
If I cut... If I cut I won't feel like this shit"
"I'm a girl, I'm only thirteen
My body rots because I won't fucking eat
I'm a silent star on the b-roll
I'm the mirror fucking image of no control
Give me an award; I conquered food again
What else is better in life than to purge my pain?
If I cut, I won't look like that
If I cut... If I cut I won't feel like this shit"
Thursday, September 10, 2009
...
09.10.09
"I say 'I wanna come over'
You say, 'okay, just come over'
Your friends are all on the couch
Your friends said 'let's walk around'
I'll pretend your friends are my friends
And kinda try not to offend them
But I won't let you see anything real
Let you know
That there's limits
I stopped talking an hour ago
It's a particular point of view
This group's dynamic caters to
It's a predictable point of view
I think you know when it caters to you
And if you do know
Don't act like you don't
Because it's really annoying
And if you don't know
Well let's just say
You are a lot, lot stupider than I thought.
I'll pretend your friends are my friends
But I don't want to hear you defend them
In fact, that kind of insults me
And I kinda don't really want to be here right now
I stopped talking an hour ago
Okay, your whole thing put me in negative space
For way too fucking long
The only thing I managed to say during that time was
I hate danger
What I really should have said was
You're so not dangerous
You're so not what you say you are at all"
"I say 'I wanna come over'
You say, 'okay, just come over'
Your friends are all on the couch
Your friends said 'let's walk around'
I'll pretend your friends are my friends
And kinda try not to offend them
But I won't let you see anything real
Let you know
That there's limits
I stopped talking an hour ago
It's a particular point of view
This group's dynamic caters to
It's a predictable point of view
I think you know when it caters to you
And if you do know
Don't act like you don't
Because it's really annoying
And if you don't know
Well let's just say
You are a lot, lot stupider than I thought.
I'll pretend your friends are my friends
But I don't want to hear you defend them
In fact, that kind of insults me
And I kinda don't really want to be here right now
I stopped talking an hour ago
Okay, your whole thing put me in negative space
For way too fucking long
The only thing I managed to say during that time was
I hate danger
What I really should have said was
You're so not dangerous
You're so not what you say you are at all"
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
...
09.09.09
I'm scared to tell you how much I don't love you. While the sun shines on my face, the rain still pours in my heart. I don't dance in the rain, in fact, I don't dance at all. My heart is leaking and my veins are a delicate lace which are becoming permanently stained.
You saw the fresh cuts on my hips. You also saw the scars. You kept your mouth clamped shut and faked blindness. I know that you know my problem is real; I'm not an exhibitionist. Those red, blunt cuts stay hidden under my jeans, under my panties... those garments you so readily remove without my approval.
I know it's not rape, but it's guilt, which almost feels the same. You ask again and again until there aren't any more "no"'s left in my mouth. When I vomit out the word "okay", you're satisfied, even though you know what I really mean. It's not okay. But you plunge on.
It still hurts. I can feel my pulse between my legs. You feel stuck because I'm dry as a bone. I don't want this. I don't want you. Yet it hurts more in my chest, beneath my ribs; that fragile cage... so easy to break. But I'll silence my sobs. I'll suck it up for the next five minutes.
Then it's over. You're sweaty, I'm trembling. You feel satisfied, I feel nothing. That's the only strong part about me; the sex doesn't change me. You don't change me. But I can't be that strong... because I can't change, even for myself.
I'm scared to tell you how much I don't love you. While the sun shines on my face, the rain still pours in my heart. I don't dance in the rain, in fact, I don't dance at all. My heart is leaking and my veins are a delicate lace which are becoming permanently stained.
You saw the fresh cuts on my hips. You also saw the scars. You kept your mouth clamped shut and faked blindness. I know that you know my problem is real; I'm not an exhibitionist. Those red, blunt cuts stay hidden under my jeans, under my panties... those garments you so readily remove without my approval.
I know it's not rape, but it's guilt, which almost feels the same. You ask again and again until there aren't any more "no"'s left in my mouth. When I vomit out the word "okay", you're satisfied, even though you know what I really mean. It's not okay. But you plunge on.
It still hurts. I can feel my pulse between my legs. You feel stuck because I'm dry as a bone. I don't want this. I don't want you. Yet it hurts more in my chest, beneath my ribs; that fragile cage... so easy to break. But I'll silence my sobs. I'll suck it up for the next five minutes.
Then it's over. You're sweaty, I'm trembling. You feel satisfied, I feel nothing. That's the only strong part about me; the sex doesn't change me. You don't change me. But I can't be that strong... because I can't change, even for myself.
...
09.09.09
When she talks I hear the revolution
In her hips there's revolution
When she walks the revolution's coming
In her kiss I taste the revolution
Oh how I fucking love her <3
When she talks I hear the revolution
In her hips there's revolution
When she walks the revolution's coming
In her kiss I taste the revolution
Oh how I fucking love her <3
Monday, September 7, 2009
...
09.07.09
It's unfortunate how many times I'm honked at on my way home. The disrespectful yells and unashamed stares disgust me. I hate my body. I want to slice up my thighs, gouge out my stomach, mutilate my face. Anything to divert their eyes from my body. My body holds no beauty, it's merely the vehicle for Me. My being. But nobody sees her.
Everyone sees this grunged-up, locked away Kristyn who is apparently only a sex object. Nobody sees me.
I suppose I hide from everyone and it's pathetic that I wait for someone to find me. Nobody can find me. I'm too lost, too dark, too cluttered. And yet, I'm never really alone. I'm always surrounded by friends, family, lovers... and yet it all seems like such a false idea.
×××
It's truly sad how even though he says he only has eyes for you, we all know he doesn't. Boys lie. Always. There's no exception to this rule and it's silly for us to suppose there is. To even hope is to let yourself fall to a shattering ending.
I used to wish that everyone was blind, but I realize that would be selfish. Now I only wish that I were invisible. I wish that me and him were alone. No... I wish I were alone.
×××
Dead men don't rape.
It's unfortunate how many times I'm honked at on my way home. The disrespectful yells and unashamed stares disgust me. I hate my body. I want to slice up my thighs, gouge out my stomach, mutilate my face. Anything to divert their eyes from my body. My body holds no beauty, it's merely the vehicle for Me. My being. But nobody sees her.
Everyone sees this grunged-up, locked away Kristyn who is apparently only a sex object. Nobody sees me.
I suppose I hide from everyone and it's pathetic that I wait for someone to find me. Nobody can find me. I'm too lost, too dark, too cluttered. And yet, I'm never really alone. I'm always surrounded by friends, family, lovers... and yet it all seems like such a false idea.
×××
It's truly sad how even though he says he only has eyes for you, we all know he doesn't. Boys lie. Always. There's no exception to this rule and it's silly for us to suppose there is. To even hope is to let yourself fall to a shattering ending.
I used to wish that everyone was blind, but I realize that would be selfish. Now I only wish that I were invisible. I wish that me and him were alone. No... I wish I were alone.
×××
Dead men don't rape.
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