I clearly remember the force he used to push inside of me
The way I refused to let him see me crying
The way my body blocked out all sensation
My mind was rewriting reality and covering it up with my imagination

It lasted maybe five minutes
Which felt like an eternity
Except it didn't
It was like time was no longer linear and constant
I was spinning around in loops, one minute would feel like a second
And a second felt like an hour
I couldn't even see anymore
I was dizzy and it was blurry and my eyes masked his features

I don't think I've ever felt so disconnected from the world
and from my body and my brain and it was like nothing was real or true or there
At all.
I wonder if this is how I'll feel when I'm dead.
Everything that was always there in your life, the things you could rely on
Just gone.

I don't really know how to articulate how I felt at the time or even how I feel now.
I re-experience the terror all the time
Like it's happening again and it feels just as real
It's not like a memory at all
I always knew you couldn't erase the past
I just never knew it could become your present over and over again
Lurking in the future, just around the corner
Like when's it going to happen next?

A guy I'm with is suddenly wearing my rapist's face
And their hands are calloused and dry just like his were
And I can smell him on their skin, in their hair and on their breath
And his voice comes out of their mouths saying things I can't stand to hear.
And I feel so guilty, carrying this baggage around with me.
Projecting on them all these fucked up things that were forced on me.
And I also feel this sense that I need to say yes.
Not just because of guilt or obligation, but because if I say no I'm giving them all my power.
At least if I agree to it, even if it's not what I want
I made that choice and I feel more in control

But then I feel dirty and empty and unfilled in every way.
I feel sick and weak. Helpless and pathetic. Gross.
And I look at myself in the mirror and I want to slash up my face.
Burn my skin, just disfigure myself so that nobody wants to look at me.
And when they do it's just to stare, not because they want to touch.
They wouldn't want anything from me.

And I realize how naive and stupid I was when I was younger
When I wished I was prettier
When I looked in the mirror and felt ugly
And then I grew up and it happened.
I got my wish
And I regret that I wasn't more careful of what I wished for
Because look at where it got me

I just want someone to hold me
And not expect a goddamn thing
I want them to ask permission and not make assumptions
And see I'm not okay
That I'm trying to hide the way my body is shaking
Trying to conceal how hard I'm breathing
Because it's mortifying
I feel so ashamed.
But nobody notices and I feel like it's my fault
If I was braver I could just make it known and clear how scared I am.
How uncomfortable I am.
But I can't.

I can't articulate the way I feel because it's so conflicting
Everything I feel just brings up another thing to hate about myself
Another thing to pile on top until I'm buried so deep in my own shame and terror
That I'm suffocating and being crushed by all the dirt he threw on me
And I try to scrub it off
Until my skin is red and raw
But it's all under my skin and in my veins, and arteries and filling up my lungs
And I'm wondering if it's just time to give up and admit defeat
Because I don't think I'll ever feel okay enough in my body
To ever want someone to make love to me.